How beautiful ...

(For Shelly, with love)




Dear Ella,
I wish you would have been with me in church today. The choir sang “How Beautiful” and tears pooled in my eyes. My heart fluttered as if it were being carried to heaven by their joyful voices. I caught my breath and reached for your hand, and then I remembered you were working. I hope that when I’m gone, you will find beauty in death, joy in sorrow, hope in despair. That you love with all your heart, even when it’s been broken. And that when you fall, you get back up and when you fail, you try again. Life, Ella, is truly beautiful despite the ugliness that tries to choke it.
Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma

Grandma D: Attitude is everything

Note 181
My dearest Ella,
Attitude is everything.
Maddie took me to chemo today and I met this wonderful young girl (She couldn’t have been more than 27). She had such a great attitude. She was so positive. I felt better just sitting next to her.
She told me about her son, who had just started saying “Mum Mum,” and about her husband, who she had met in a college chemistry class. They were lab partners. We talked about many things, and I was amazed that a girl so young could be so wise. It reminded me that we all have bad stuff happen to us. It’s how we deal with the bad stuff that counts.
The older I get the more I realize that attitude is everything. You might have talent and knowledge. Perhaps you’re even gifted. But it’s your attitude that will make the difference between winning and losing, between perservering and giving up.
Sarah is fighting for her life. She is determined to see her baby boy become a man. I know she's scared but she has hope. And hope, Ella, can make all of the difference.
Sarah's attitude was certainly contagious and just the reminder I needed on I day I was feeling particularly blue.
So when bad things happen, as they surely will, remember Sarah. 
Find good in bad,
success in failure,
joy in sorrow,
life in death.

You control your attitude. Make it a positive one and you'll find that even the darkest days become a little brighter.

Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma

I was reminded of this letter from Grandma D today when I had to deal with a miserable person whose attitude completely sucked. I like to read this letter from time to time. It's always a great reminder that attitude is everything. Not that I don't have bad days. Hey, I'm human. But I really try to find something good in everything bad. How about you?

A note from Ella

Sometimes, life sucks. Bad crap happens and you think you’ll never be happy. I get that. I really do. That’s how I felt after Grandma, who raised me, died. But I survived, with the help of my guardian and Grandma’s best friend Maddie. So why am I telling you this? Well, I promised myself I would share my story. Not because I want your pity, but because I think my story is one of hope, of pushing past the ugliness in our lives when all we want to do is crawl into a dark hole. I’m not going to lie. You might cry. My story’s a little sad. Well, maybe a lot sad. But it’s also happy. A lot happy. And the best part is the 365 letters Grandma wrote to me before she died. Someday, when my children are old enough, I’ll share the letters with them. But today, I’m sharing them with you along with my book, ELLA’S DANCE. I hope you join me on this literary journey and discover that despite life’s crappiness, it’s still pretty damn good.

--ELLA

Ella's Dance: A Grandma note

Note 161


My dearest Ella,

I’m really tired today, Ella. The chemo treatments take a lot out of me. Maddie offered to write what I tell her, but I didn’t want to do that just yet. But I might have to eventually. I want to keep writing these notes myself so you have them in my handwriting as long as I’m able.

So today is rough and I can’t write much. The notes might be a little shorter for awhile. Depends on how I feel. But I want to say that I love you. Three simple words that are worth more than all the treasures in the world combined.

Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma

-----------------------------------------------------
Dear Grandma,
I keep all of your notes in the jewelry box you bought me. You know the one with the ballerina that goes around and around and plays music when you wind the gold key in the back.  Whenever I'm feeling down or lost or lonely, I read your letters. Reading them makes me feel close to you. You've given me a wonderful gift, Grandma. You've left me 365 letters and given me the greatest treasure of all -- your love. Thank you for knowing what I would need and for loving me and taking care of me -- long after you were gone.
 
Love you bunches and bunches, Ella

Ella's Dance: A Grandma note

We haven't heard from Grandma D in some time, thought we were due.

Note 289

My dearest Ella,

Success means different things to different people. What’s important is what it means to you.

I knew a woman who lost her vision. Her goal was to be able to continue living on her own. She moved to the city so she could use public transportation and developed a system of identifying objects that included using rubber bands. She was successful in modifying her life so that she could remain independent. She was truly an amazing woman.

For you, success might be earning a college degree or having a book that you’ve written published. Whatever it is, your success is your own. You define it and you achieve it and it doesn’t matter if no one else sees it as success, it’s what you see it as that’s important. My blind friend’s idea of success was far different from my own, but that doesn’t mean her success was any less important.

Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma

Ella's Dance: A Grandma note

Note 261

My dearest Ella,
Make peace with your past.
When I was young, I didn’t always make the best decisions. I did things I shouldn’t have done and made mistakes I wish I wouldn’t have made. When I got older, I didn’t feel so great about the things I did or the mistakes I made. But I couldn’t let the past drag me down. You can’t either.
We all have to make peace with our past. Maybe you did something that you are ashamed of and you can’t stop obsessing about it. But here’s the thing, nothing you do now is going to change what you did then. You just have to make peace with in and go on.

Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma

Ella's Dance: A Grandma Note

Note 353
My dearest Ella,
Have courage.
Have the courage to step outside of your comfort zone and try something new. If you have courage, you’ll have the strength you need to take risks and succeed. Having courage doesn’t mean you’re not afraid; it means you’re able to overcome your fears.

Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma

Ella's Dance: A Grandma note

Note 365
My dearest Ella,
I can’t believe that I’m writing the last note you will ever receive from me. By the time you read this, a whole year will have passed since my death. I pray that my notes have helped you find your way. My hope is that you will read them over and over and that they provide a compass that will always lead you in the right direction.
I will leave you with one last thought. From the moment I saw you, Ella, I loved you. I was blessed to have you in my life and honored to be your grandmother. I pray that your life is filled with many blessings and that your triumphs, not your tragedies, define you. Be well, Ella, and dance, even when the music stops, I hope you dance my sweet child.

Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma

Ella's Dance: A Grandma note

Note 331

My dearest Ella,
You asked me once how I could give up my dream of being a professional ballerina. The truth is I found another dream I loved even more. You asked me if I ever regretted my decision. I never have. “Isn’t it a shame,” you said, “that you never became the dancer you wanted to become?” No, it was not a shame, Ella. What would have been a shame is not becoming your grandmother. Life deals us funny twists and turns and we aren’t always sure where we will end up. But this I know for certain, being a ballerina would never have compared in any way with being a mother and grandmother. And I am blessed to have been given the opportunity to be both.

Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma

Ella's Dance: A Grandma note

Note 322
My dearest Ella,
I know you are angry that I stopped the chemo. But please try to understand that I didn’t do it because I don’t love you. I did it because I do.
The truth is, Ella, that the chemo wasn’t working.  We knew that it was a long shot, and I prayed for a miracle. But it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. And I’d much rather spend the remaining time I have and be able to enjoy it with you than be sick until the end. I want to be able to go out to dinner or enjoy a movie. I want to have some fun.
What I’m trying to say in this note is that sometimes a little of something is better than a lot. I’d rather spend two great months with you than six too-sick-to-do-anything ones.
Please know that I love you and this decision was not easy for me to make. But I want to enjoy the time we have left. You are everything to me.

Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma

Ella's Dance: A Grandma note

Note 120
My dearest Ella,
Be careful of the marks you leave behind.
I’ve sat in the same pew at church for as long as I can remember. There are scratch marks on the back made by my father’s suspenders. He sat in this spot until he died and the marks are a lasting reminder.
When I think about the scratch marks, I think of the marks we leave in life – some good, some bad. It reminds me to live life thoughtfully because we never know when we might leave a mark that might be harmful. We are powerful in that way, Ella, whether we realize it or not. Understand and don’t abuse that power.
How many times have we left marks that have hurt people? I once had a teacher who said something to me that I will never forget. Decades have passed and the words still sting. That’s the power of the marks we leave behind. Like the pew, the scratch is always there. We might be able to sand it and apply new stain, but it remains underneath. It’s what we do with the marks in our life that count. Use them to make us better and stronger and wiser.

Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma

Ella's Dance: A Grandma note

Note 161
My dearest Ella,
I’m really tired today, Ella. The chemo treatments take a lot out of me. Maddie offered to write what I tell her, but I didn’t want to do that just yet. But I might have to eventually. I want to keep writing these notes myself so you have them in my handwriting as long as I can.
So today is rough and I can’t write much. The notes might be a little shorter for awhile. Depends on how I feel. But I want to say that I love you. Three simple words that are worth more than all the treasures in the world put together.

Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma

Ella's Dance: A Grandma note

Note 122
My dearest Ella,
It’s not about winning or losing but how you play the game that counts.
I know there are a lot of people who would disagree with me on this one. And that’s OK. We’re all entitled to our opinions, right? (Remember my earlier note?)
I’ll never forget the day you helped a player from the opposing soccer team. You were eight at the time and playing defense and this little girl was handicapped and she was put in for the final minutes of the game. She had the ball and it was your job to get the ball. But you stopped when you realized the little girl was handicapped and struggling. Instead of blocking her, you encouraged her to dribble the ball toward the goal.The goalie saw what you had done and she, too, encouraged the girl to score.
You most certainly could have gotten that ball from her that day, but you didn’t. I was never more proud of you. Of course, your team won the game. But your act of kindness was the real victory. You made a difference in that little girl’s life and gave her a moment she will probably never forget.
Life is a game, Ella, and you will be judged on how you play that game. Play it with compassion and thoughtfulness. You might not always win, but you can be proud of the way you played.

Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma

Ella's Dance: A Grandma note

Note 15
My dearest Ella,
Whatever you choose to do, be passionate about it.
You like history. You enjoy biology. But what are you truly passionate about, Ella? Only you can answer this question. But I will tell you that it’s easier to pursue something you have passion for then something you don’t.
My friend Ed Sanders loved the theater. He was passionate about it. Every chance he got he tried out for a school play or a community theater production. Ed was also brilliant in math. His father wanted him to studying engineering in college. So Ed did. And he hated it. Sure he was smart enough to be an engineer, but it wasn’t what he was passionate about. It's not what he wanted to be.
Eventually, Ed followed his passion and studied theater. He and his wife started a community theater in Vermont that is very successful.
So whatever you choose to do, be passionate about it. Want it with every ounce of your being. Life without passion is like a bird without wings – you never soar beyond the ordinary to find the extraordinary within.  

Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma

Ella's Dance: A Grandma note

Someone asked me what Grandma's first note to Ella says. Here it is:

Note 1
My dearest Ella,
I wish we would have had more time together, but we both know that we don’t always get what we want. I know that you are in good hands with Maddie. She loves you as if you were her own. Always has.
I wanted to leave you with some of my thoughts, things for you to think about as you journey through life. I’d like to write a note for every day of the coming year. I pray that I’m able to finish them before it’s time for me to say goodbye. I hope they provide comfort and the guidance I will not be there to give.
Ella, I love you so very much. My life was a thousand times richer because you were a part of it, and I wouldn’t have wanted to change a single thing. My greatest wish is that you are healthy and happy and that all of your dreams come true.

Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma

Ella's Dance: A Grandma note

Note 22
My dearest Ella,
Don’t be afraid to fall in the mud; you can always take a bath.
Remember the time I hosed you and Emily off  in the backyard? The two of you slopped in a mud puddle and you were covered from head to toe. You had the best time that day. The easiest thing to do was to hose you off, wrap you in towels and send you inside to change. Somewhere along the way, you became afraid of  mud puddles. You didn’t want to get dirty or mess up your clothes. Then one day, I challenged you to jump in a mud puddle under the cherry tree. You were hesitant, so I jumped in first. We had a ball that day. My point then and my point now is that when you fall in a mud puddle (or jump in one if you choose) don’t be afraid. A little bit of soap and water will get you clean. Life will be riddled with mud puddles. Some quite big, I’m sure. But you just jump right in and get all muddy and enjoy it.

Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma 

Ella's Dance: A Grandma note

Note 2
My dearest Ella,
There’s no shame in failing as long as you learn from it.
Remember when you got an F on your biology exam? You thought you knew the material well enough and decided that instead of studying, you’d go shopping with your friends. It was the first F you ever received – and the last. I can still picture you crying as you pulled the test from your pink backpack to show me.
We all fail, Ella. Lord knows I’ve failed many times in my life. But a failure is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. When you fail, as I know you will, I want you to pick yourself up and try again. And again and again. Don’t let failing or the fear of failure keep you from pursuing your dreams.
Where would be if the great inventors of our time stopped trying after they had first failed? Failures can make us stronger and wiser. Embrace them and learn from them.

Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma

Ella's Dance: A Grandma Note

Note 13

My dearest Ella,
Live life to the fullest.
I once knew a man who had so many dreams that he recorded them in a tiny black notebook. Whenever I’d see him, he’d show me his notebook so I could see the new dreams he had added. One day, I asked him how many of the dreams he had fulfilled. The answer? None. He spent his lifetime collecting dreams but never living them. Of course, he had all sorts of excuses. Not enough money. Not enough time. Too young. Too old. It got so that I stopped asking about his dreams whenever I saw him. And he stopped showing me his tiny black notebook. He died recently and along with him all those dreams. Don’t be like this man, Ella. Don’t be a collector of dreams. Live life to the fullest and give it everything you’ve got. You only get one shot at life, so make it a great one.
Love you bunches and bunches, Grandma

Excerpt from "Grandma's Last Dance"

Grandma insisted on a funeral service for King David. She turned a small, white jewelry box into a tiny casket complete with a purple velvet lining. Then she made a grave marker out of a piece of wood. “Here lies King David. May he rest in peace,” it said.

Maddie came to the funeral service, too. Grandma had asked her to read from the Bible and Grandma sang “Jesus Love Me.” Then Grandma talked about how much she loved watching King David swim around his bowl and what a beautiful fish he was and how he made Ella so happy. Then Maddie talked about how King David was the best fish she had ever met and how happy she was to have had the opportunity to know him.

Then Ella took King David’s casket and placed it in the hole Grandma had dug in the backyard underneath the cherry tree. It was a beautiful ceremony, and Grandma told Ella she could get a new goldfish if she wanted. But Ella didn’t want another fish. She wanted King David.