Revising a completed work is fun, fun, fun!

I love revising. And I'm amazed at what I find when I return to a completed work. Such was the case with "The Lion Awakens." 

The YA is about two 17-year-olds who find information hidden in anonymous gifts that leads them to a parallel universe with an enemy hell-bent on taking over the world. 

I realized that the story didn't start in the right place. It didn't grab me and entice me to read on. So I chucked it and wrote something new. And, I condensed the first four chapters into two, trashing a bunch of stuff that I didn't need. It wasn't as painful as I thought it would be, and the book is so much better because I wasn't afraid to take the ax to it. 

So here's the new opening. Does it make you want to read  more? Yes or no? If no, what would make it better? 

Annie Lange’s heart beat like a drummer gone wild. How does a person who’s been dead for thirteen years come back to life? That was the question on her 17-year-old mind as she watched a video of her dead mom on her laptop.

The video appeared like a summer storm that pops up unexpectedly and soaks you in seconds. You’re caught off guard and the only thing you can do is pray that you get where you’re going before the rising water carries you away – or becomes your watery grave.

…

David McClure upchucked the water he had just guzzled all over his keyboard. He pounded his chest and coughed, trying to clear his throat.  He knew right away that the man in the video was his dead dad.    Thirteen freakin’ years and just like The Great Oz the man appears out of nowhere. David ran his fingers through his thick, curly hair. Unbelievable! Freakin’ unbelievable!

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